This post is being written in two parts. We’re going to my mom and dad’s place for dinner later, and I don’t know how much time I’ll have to blog when we get back. So, I’m starting early. With things I wanted to talk about yesterday (and the day before). Things like my new counselor and why I’m seeing her, plus what we’ve already found out about me. (Because, ya know, it IS all about ME.)
I never use pseudonyms here*, we just ARE who we are, but this time I’m going to. Not sure why, but that’s what feels correct in this situation. We’re going to call her “A” for right now, this may very well change later though. (Or I might just plain old forget to do it. See note below.)
*I can’t remember names well, just as a matter of course, so there’s not a chance in hell that I’d be able to call my children or husband something OTHER than what I already call them. My head is very full, no room for anything that’s not ABSOLUTELY necessary.
The “why” of me seeing A is that it seems like I’ve done all I can on my own. I’ve changed pretty much every physical aspect that I believe I’m able to. The spiritual focus is great, lots of affirmations, plenty of positive thinking. It’s the very cerebral and mental (or in my mind: Swords) crap that I’m still struggling with. So, I’ve found a person I think can help.
The biggest deal we have learned so far is that I’m disconnected from my body. I don’t like it much, and I tend to have the attitude of battling it. Now, I’m NOT a competitive person. At. All. I detest the fact that someone, in any sort of challenge, must lose. This pacifist mind-set is VERY at odds with, and entirely against, how I am living in view of my personal being. Figuring this out was HUGE! (Even though it seems sort of small now that it’s all typed out.)
We, me and A, now have a goal in sight. I will strive to be a whole and complete being, instead of separate and apart. The theory is that once I’ve accepted this, or can at least begin to view it this way, my physiology will do what it is supposed to. That is, lose weight. Less food in, more movement and energy expended out, natural and long-term weight loss SHOULD just simply happen. Or so we are hoping.
Rewards, as I mentioned the last time, are also on the table. One I did not tell you about was the “music for the sake of music” option. Many of us have devices in which our favorite tunes are stored. Mine is ancient, but I adore it. However, I only listen to it when I’m trudging. (Although we did have fun with our personal playlists on this last driving adventure.)
What if we set aside a specific time to just enjoy a song, or five, for the very act of absorbing the music? Wouldn’t that be a mindful exercise in pleasure and a lovely gift to ourselves? Yes, I thought so too. Bonus! Our brain is excited about the prospect of this type of activity; reacting just as it would if we promised ourselves a cupcake! The reaction is the same. Only with the song version, we gain no weight, but we still feel fabulous. Win win.
(The cupcake is for later, or another day. The cupcake is NEVER out of the equation, it’s just not considered a treat the same way it used to be.)
There is a truth and a compassion to therapy, I’ve found. When we treat ourselves honestly and really try to learn, to grow, to HELP, we can be so much more than we ever thought possible. So far, I’m a fan. (This could change, I’ll keep you posted.)
On our card altar today is another message I’m greatly fond of. Even though I don’t know much about this particular saint, I do like what she says. Or, in this case, represents.
“Don’t Compromise ~
St Agnes of Rome
You are asked to take a stand in favor of your truth and self-esteem. You don’t need to compromise to get what you want, and you can live by the truth of your beliefs. St Agnes is your guide and role model in this aspect. She shows that in love relationships – as well as career, home, health, and other life areas – you mustn’t compromise your values.
If you are in a difficult situation, first try to negotiate a better solution with the people involved. For instance, if your romantic relationship is unsatisfactory, tell your partner your honest feelings. St Agnes and your angels will help you speak truthfully with love so that your partner can really hear you. If this doesn’t yield satisfactory results, this saint may guide you to a counselor or a helpful organization. The key with this message, though, is to stand by your truth without compromise. As God’s holy child, you deserve to be treated with love, respect, and dignity. Accept nothing less.”
Or, in non-Doreen-speak . . . . . as a light-filled being, as a child of the Earth, as a free human, you deserve to be treated with love, respect, and dignity. Accept nothing less, even from yourself.
Second part. I’m back from dinner. It was lovely. We had several types of grilled items (both animal and non) with a huge green salad. (But we were with my mother, so there was also tortellini salad, and several-bean salad on her table, of course.) And pie.
(There is nothing wrong with this picture, or the pie, other than that fact that I didn’t realize a glass dessert cover doesn’t really photograph worth a shit.)
Tart Cherry
She also, accidentally and unbeknownst to her, made us Clean brownies. With Mexican chocolate. Yeah, it was a VERY good meal.
That dog is everywhere!
She wanted you all to see the vest she made, out of that exquisite yarn I bought her for some gift-giving occasion recently.
Today’s Deck:
Saints & Angels Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
The Daily Dog is a bonus, since he also photo-bombed that above shot. But I took it before we left. How was I to know he’d be in ALL the pictures?
Sort of On Guard,
Alert, at the very least.
If there is a mat or a rug in front of him, he’s on it. Although, at this very moment, he’s perched on top of an unstable pile of Dan’s clean, folded laundry, which is on the back of an upholstered chair.
I’m very excited to hear how the counseling goes for you
And what are ‘Clean’ brownies? are they somehow different from normal brownies?
~
Clean is designated as including nothing processed, no chemicals. So basically anything home-made with high quality ingredients. (Like what you make.)
(Oh wait, I just found a better definition.)
“…clean foods are those free of artificial preservatives, coloring, irradiation, synthetic pesticides, fungicides, ripening agents, fumigants, drug residues and growth hormones and those that are processed, packaged, transported and stored to retain maximum nutritional value.”
J
3:09 a.m.
5-28-12
This body/mind disconnection discovery is HUGE! It brings to mind our valued saying “What we resist persists.” If you resist loving your body, it will respond by not cooperating and doing what you want it to. That is indeed a very big breakthrough, and it is great that A has helped with this discovery! Now the transitioning & growth can be focused! Wonderful!
And aren’t swords just the biggest hurdle/obstacle/bitch? I mean, they’re a killing weapon for christsakes! The people who came up with these suits really hit these things right on the money, didn’t they?
Love the music as reward idea… reminds me of something I read the other day… did you know that not only does music raise our spiritual vibrations, but singing actually helps open our chakras? I am a notorious singer-alonger, with songs i love I just can’t help it, and I’d noticed that I would feel kinda “high” afterwards… I attributed it to brain oxygen deprivation, because of breathing out more than in, lol! Turns out there’s a more metaphysical explanation, too! So, play music, sing, dance, reward your mind and your soul at the same time! Love it!
Most. certainly. not. ever. compromising. again. period. I mean, not in the bad way she’s talking about… where to go for dinner, that’s something entirely different. “as a light-filled being, as a child of the Earth, as a free human, you deserve to be treated with love, respect, and dignity. Accept nothing less, even from yourself.” LOVE your re-write, it’s perfect!!!
Your parents are so cute! (and, as ALWAYS, so is Max!)
~
Well, thanks. I DID think it was a pretty big deal. But then, it looked sort of dorky all typed out.
Swords are challenging because they are Air, and I don’t have ANY of that, anywhere in sight. Also, ya know, brain crap.
More wonderfulness about music. Cool! And thank you, I thought this one needed a bit of a re-write.
Now that I have a fancy new (to me) machine (thank you AGAIN Barb!) I’m considering some video clips…. like of my parents. Everyone really needs to see these people in action.
J
3:23 a.m.
5-28-12
Big steps. I am glad you found A that you can work with. Given what Mrs. Denial does, I am familiar with that path. The definition that I give to my friends about therapy is that you go in, find someone you can work with, and they make you solve your issues with some guidance from them about the path. Pretty cool stuff, I think.
I like the concept of “clean” food. We just brought home some more home grown cow for the freezer, and are ready to harvest some of our greens. I’ve gotta send you a picture of our “crop”.
Card was good today too. “Accept nothing else, even from yourself”. Good advice.
~
I know I’m very lucky to connect with this first woman I went in search of. Great run-down on how “the work” gets done. Perfect.
Oooo, nice score on the home-grown cow. Yes, where ARE my pictures of that CROP you keep telling us about?
J
9:09 p.m.
5-28-12
Being disconnected from your body explains so much. Ouch. This -is- a huge breakthrough. There are people out there disconnected from their bodies who self-mutilate. Pat yourself on the back or, you know, go listen to your music!
Um, isn’t ‘compromise’ just another word for ‘mom’? Sorry, just couldn’t help myself.
It is a good card to remember.
Uh, did Max and the clothes fall off the back of the chair? And how the heck did he get up there?
~
Interesting idea you brought up about the self-harm…. no, not my particular issue, but seeing as I am SUCH a baby about pain, and yet have SO many tattoos, plus numerous piercings…. something to think about further as I examine this newly discovered-but-oh-so-deep disconnect. More to ponder, thank you.
Lol, close, but not for me. “Mom” is simply sMother here in The Burrow.
He did not fall off, surprisingly enough. And his ascent was quite silly to watch. If nothing else, that damn dog is entertaining!
J
9:21 p.m.
5-28-12
Wait wait wait. Back the hell up. You only listen to music while you’re walking? How do you do that? I honest to goodness have music playing roughly 75-80% of each day. There are speakers and headphones everywhere in this house. I don’t know how I’d function without it.
And now I want a brownie.
~
Yep, and I was SO thinking of you as I wrote that. I KNEW there were people who have music on WAY more than I do. My favorite sound is silence, nothing, no noise. Or, ya know, the ocean.
J
9:31 p.m.
5-28-12
To be clear, I’m perfectly open to dirty brownies. (hehe)
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LOL! I believe we DID know that (too) about you.
J
9:33 p.m.
5-28-12
I know exactly what you mean about how dorky things sound when you type them out. I frequently have these glowing, light-bulb moments, and then when I write them out, they sound so danged *obvious* that it just makes me feel stupid for not knowing it before. But we learn things when we learn them. It seems like we don’t get to pick what order we learn them in.
Funny thing on this card– I’m in a bit of a rush, so I wasn’t reading very carefully, and at first I thought it was about compromise. yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought. It wasn’t until I got to the second paragraph that I realized it was about NOT compromising. ha. Speaking of brain issues.
~
You know what the difference is? With those breakthroughs and light bulb moments? We are thrilled with them instantly because that is our immediate and basic emotional reaction, but then we OVER think about it as we type it all out. The self-doubt pops up, and we feel like we couldn’t possibly be that fucking smart.
I love it when you do this, make us all think, bring up cool points we hadn’t seen before, etc…. but I defaulted into negative thinking when *I* did it. We need to keep cheering each other on, it’s REALLY helpful in both directions.
Exactly. We learn when we learn. As we need to.
Lol, nice Sword side-stepping there with the mis-reading of that one. No more rushing through!
J
9:39 p.m.
5-28-12
I think it’s great that you’ve found someone you can work with and who has already helped you find out something very important about yourself (and no, it didn’t seem dorky written out — it seemed important). I’m an Air sign, so I’m all about the brain stuff and I still have to work with it. Cognitive therapy is hard. Very swords-y.
Clean brownies and tart cherry pie sound luscious.
I love the message of this card. A friend had been talking to me about compromising on what I do for a living, because I haven’t had much luck doing it. But I know why (I haven’t put in the right effort in the right places yet, nor have I done enough), so I’m going to stick to it. I even have a goal for when I’m starting my job-hunting again (I gave myself some time to get a bit better with therapy and drugs). I. Won’t. Compromise. I know I can continue to write and edit for a living, on a freelance and contract basis. I’m sure of it. I just need to try.
~
You also need to believe that you are worth it. Which we all know you are! Just need to convince YOU of it.
J
9:43 p.m.
5-28-12
What Julie said. Only, I would add a few exclamation points. Like this: you are worth it!!!!!!
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Additional punctuation, good call !!!
J
11:53 p.m.
5-28-12
I have found, in dealing with my children, that very few of them can be negatively incented to do anything. I can’t threaten to make their lives miserable; it just makes them fight me more. It sounds similar to your relationship with your body. If you keep telling it how much you hate it, I imagine it wouldn’t want to help you achieve your goals!
That’s an interesting observation about the tattoos and piercings. I think it’s great you’ve found someone to help you figure things out–I admire therapists, although I have been known to ignore what they tell me!
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Mmm, good call on the association. You HAVE done this before!
Not surprisingly, if I had the money, I would be getting even MORE tattoos. I do believe that making a statement with my inked stories and images is part of who I am. It’s just another facet, one I need to work on blending into the rest (the Whole), instead of setting aside and seeing as separate.
J
10:21 p.m.
5-29-12